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The fine art of beef back ribs

In Recipes on August 5, 2009 at 11:06 pm

[A regular feature of our newsletter, as dictated by bassist Joe Stuhff.]

     Meat can have a great and sensual flavor. It can also be inedible ultragarbage, if prepared by one not savvy to this fact: Meat isn’t the delicious part of meat. It is the fat, the ligaments, the sinewy parts from whence glue is rendered, which rule our pallets like latex-clad flavor dominatrices. The protein part is just substance, a texture to contain in its little pockets and nooks and crannies the honey-sweet tang of melting bone sheaths. For those willing to forgo proper digestive function in favor of a truly luxuriant experience gastronomique, I proudly submit my preparation for:

                        BEEF BACK RIBS

At least one rack of BEEF BACK RIBS, meaty ones, not those frozen shits.  The ribs should be cut in half, through the rack once flanken style, so no bone is longer than five inches.

  Step 1. Leave the ribs unrefrigerated for at least four to six hours, to ensure some nice, limp floppy pieces of meat.
  Step 2.Rub your floppy meat schlongs with the blend of spices described. Additional spices may well include: turmeric, curry, nutmeg, mustard powder, cayenne pepper, saffron, ginger root, and cinnamon.
  Step 3.Submit your floppy meaty victims to intense punishment at the scorching hands of a wickedly hot gas, charcoal, or stovetop grill. Be sure that the surface of the grill is as hot as possible before placing them upon it. This high, intense, direct heat will effectively cauterize the outer surface if the ribs, creating the barrier which locks in its sexy juices. Do this for no less that ten minutes, flipping once, until the outside of the ribs look almost burned. Do not be fooled, however, as the inside of the meat is still quite raw, the ligaments unmelted, and the experience of eating it unpleasant.
  Step 4. Wrap the long, meaty, juicy dingles up securely in a nice tidy envelope of aluminum foil. Throw in a whole damn stick of opium (butter).
  Step 5. At this point place all of the wrapped-up ribs either into an oven at 250 degrees or on or next to a heat source which can duplicate this effect.
  Step 6. Wait four to six hours.
  Step 7. Eat it with barbecue sauce.
  Step 8. Go and make sure you have toilet paper, especially if they turn out real good.




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