0M3L3TT3 R3C1P3

[A regular series of recipes, as dictated by bassist Joe Stuhff]

OMELETTES

an overview;
an understatement;
OMELETTES are eggs whipped up and cooked into a roundish shaped, and filled with a variety of mostly breakfast-type items.
OMELETTES
a realistic opinion;
OMELETTES are great!
an end to digression;
I digress. The pearl of this oyster of contemplation, OMELETTES, are nothing more than the most potentially fulfilling experience a mere carbon-based life form can hope to achieve.
A humble submission;  ….

The fine art of beef back ribs

[A regular feature of our newsletter, as dictated by bassist Joe Stuhff.]

     Meat can have a great and sensual flavor. It can also be inedible ultragarbage, if prepared by one not savvy to this fact: Meat isn’t the delicious part of meat. It is the fat, the ligaments, the sinewy parts from whence glue is rendered, which rule our pallets like latex-clad flavor dominatrices. The protein part is just substance, a texture to contain in its little pockets and nooks and crannies the honey-sweet tang of melting bone sheaths. For those willing to forgo proper digestive function in favor of a truly luxuriant experience gastronomique, I proudly submit my preparation for:

                        BEEF BACK RIBS

YOU WILL NEED
ALUMINUM FOIL
At least one rack of BEEF BACK RIBS, meaty ones, not those frozen shits.  The ribs should be cut in half, through the rack once flanken style, so no bone is longer than five inches.
A POUND OR TWO OF BUTTER
SALT
PEPPER
CUMIN
GARLIC POWDER
BBQ SAUCE

  Step 1. Leave the ribs unrefrigerated for at least four to six hours, to ensure some nice, limp floppy pieces of meat.

Beef chuck pot roast for tha homies

[A regular series as dictated by bassist Joe “The Foot” Stuhff.  This article is reposted from an old newsletter, completely out of context and in the wrong season.  Enjoy.]

Season’s Greetings, fellow gastronomical adventurers! ‘Tis the season, so say I, for cranberries and pumpkin pie! So, then, it is with open arms that I humbly welcome the impending dark skies of winter, that cold as shit obsidian robe which coats the sky round the same time every year. What better way to enjoy the cute little first baby steps of fall into winter, and the beginning of the phase of Scorpio (annoyingly mouth wah-guitar effect)? The best way is to Lock the door, close the windows, keep your guns loaded and your valuables locked up, and cook large amounts of meat in your kitchen all day long.

May I present, for your cold-weathered culinary consideration:

BEEF CHUCK POT ROAST FOR THA HOMIES!

Requires:
1 or 2 beef chuck pot roasts equaling at least 6-8 lbs.
Salt, pepper, sage, rosemary, thyme, cumin, oregano, cayenne pepper, garlic cloves, garlic powder, onion powder, worcestershire sauce, soy sauce, barbecue sauce and a bay leaf.
2 32-oz. cans of crappy pilsner beer. Don’t get malt liquor, dumbass.
At least 4 large healthy carrots, peeled and cut into “carrot coins” (think about it.)
1 proud white onion
2 potatoes, peeled, cut into cubes
1 tablespoon of flour
At least four large bags of dried broad egg noodles
1 carte blanche 8-hour emotional attachment
An oven or very large crockpot
A very nice large roasting dish with high sides
TINFOIL TINFOIL XXX-LARGE TIN-ASS-FIZZOIL TINFOIL TINFOIL
p.s. don’t forget the GODDAMN TINFOIL! AND LOTS OF IT!

How to construct:
Leave your chuck out on the kitchen counter for about an hour, to get the surface down to room temp. Rub the sides all around with a combination of all the dry powdered spices listed above (as many as you have got.) Then sear them spices in with a nice sizzling on some hot hot hot iron. pace the sizzled meaty mass into its crucible, and pour beer in until it is a little more than halfway covered. Now drink the other beer.

Now you understand.

Cover tightly with tinfoil and bake at 400 degrees for 3 and one half hours. Remove and add vegetables. But first, the onion…

Oh, yes onion, You were not forgotten. So proud before, but what, now, at the sight of me and, my- Oh yes, I am afraid it is a large and laser-sharp chopping chef’s knife- you seem to have finally discovered humility. Then you start. Ah, the pleading. The apologies. The promises. So piquant, so soothing. Just as I thought, your steely resolve would liquefy in the face of a prospect beyond your reason. Now, dont mind me, I’ll just be CUTTING YOU INTO LITTLE PIECES. And adding you to the pot roast.

Sorry you had to witness that.

Cover tightly once more, and continue baking for 2 and a half more hours.

Bring a large pot of water to a boil and prepare the egg noodles, that starchy substrate upon which the sumptuousness of the steamed-to perfection meat shall combine with the sweetness of my personal revenge against the onion.

(don’t ask)

From this point on, I can offer no more advice.
If you can’t figure out what to do, it’s your own damn fault.
Enjoy! Happy Halloween and Thanksgiving!

-=HN=-

 

[Kai]

The Foot’s Ginnjamon Ribs

[A regular series as dictated by bassist Joe “The Foot” Stuhff]

REQUIRES:
At least one rack of pork baby-back ribs
Ground sage
Thyme leaves
Cinnamon powder
Garlic powder
Cayenne powder
Cumin powder
Turmeric powder
Cumin powder
Fresh-grated or ground ginger root OR spicy ginger BBQ sauce
Sesame oil
Kosher or coarse-grained salt
Fresh ground black pepper
ALUMINUM FOIL!
An oven and a lot of time

Cover the ribs, one side at a time, in the spices. First, put salt, pepper, thyme, and sage followed by a light coat of garlic, a touch of cayenne, a LIGHT dusting of turmeric, a pinch of cumin,and then a thorough coating of cinnamon, until you can barely see the other spices. Rub the spices in like
a masseuse going for a big tip. Leave in the refrigerator for at least 24 hours.

COOKING: Take a shallow pan that the rib ends do not hang over. Put a sheet of foil on the bottom of the pan, and wrap over the edges. Place the ribs upon the foil. Tent a large sheet of foil over the ribs, no higher than an inch or two above the meat. If it touches in a couple spots, its ok, but if the foil is in direct contact the length of the rib surface, meat will adhere to the foil and be lost. Place in an oven at 250 degrees.
For one or two racks: Four and a half to six hours
For three to sic: No less than ten hours

Remove from oven, taking off foil carefully to avoid steam,and then pull out the bones with a twisting motion, until the meat is just waiting for your face. Apply a dusting, smearing, or zesting of your gingery choice before allowing to rest out for at least 15 minutes.

(P.S. Place a slab on a toasted bun for a tasty treat!)

 

-=HN=-

[Kai]

Pork and beans

[A regular series as dictated by bassist Joe Stuhff]

Requires:
4-6 SMOKED pork shanks, sliced, whole, or halved.
*1 bag of dried beans (pinto, black, or a soulful mix)
Some water
A rather large pot with a lid and excellent heat distribution

*It is usually necessary to soak your dried beans overnight. If you have not done so, please shoot yourself. Canned beans are not an acceptable substitute. This is soul food, it should not be easy.

Place the beans on the stove and cook as per the instructions on the bag they came with. Then add the pork shanks.This should take between 4 and 6 hours, during which you can make
*BONUS!*
CORNBREAD MOTHERFLUFFIN’ MUFFINS!

This is not so much a recipe as a method of combining several foodstuffs together to make an UBERFOODSTUFF!

Requires:
Krusteaz(c) or Jiffy(c) brand cornbread mix
At least one ear of corn
A small amount of original Fritos(c), completely crushed into smithereens
A cute little muffin pan, I mean frickin’ miniature!

Make the corn batter. To this add less than a half handful of the Frito(c) crumbs.Pour the batter in those little tiny muffin cups until they are halfway full. Then, in each cup, deposit between 4 and 8 kernels of fresh corn. Now fill the cups completely and bake. After four or five minutes of baking, quickly remove the still-doughy cakes and give the crowns a dusting of Fritos(c) crumb. Continue the baking process, and eat with your pork and beans!

Good Eating!

-=HN=-

[Kai]